An offer you can’t refuse…

If you wanted, could you refuse:
an offer of tea and a snack? What if you’d already eaten a big breakfast an hour before?
an offer of a home-cooked meal made especially for you? What if you already had plans to eat elsewhere?
an offer of an extra plate of food? What if you already ate a full plate and are stuffed from lots of food throughout the day?
an invitation to spend the night in someone’s home? What if you had already arranged to stay elsewhere in a lodge that promised to be an oasis with hot water, a working shower, comfortable bed plus satellite TV—not to mention privacy—after very full & exhausting days of work? What if it was for a whole week?
an invitation to preach? What if was to preach the next day, which was a major holy day?

Did your original answers change after considering the “what if”s? These are all offers and situations which we have faced in Zambia. Regularly. Most all of them in the past week, in fact!

Hospitality in Zambia, as in many other places in the world, is taken very seriously. And there are unwritten cultural rules guiding the giving and receiving of hospitality. Fortunately, we have Rev. Banda, the TEEZ Training Officer to help us figure things out. But nevertheless, we are posed with challenging offers. I especially feel conflicted often as to how to respond in a way that is both culturally sensitive toward my host, as well as healthy for me as an individual. Generally, I am very game to try new things, and feel very honored and grateful for the warm welcome we receive. I can sleep pretty much anywhere, and enjoy being with people in their homes. I am an extrovert who gains energy from meeting and talking with folks. I am a new pastor still “cutting my teeth” a bit, so I embrace opportunities to preach and lead communion.

But when it comes to food, I feel much more conflicted. I have dealt with physical, emotional, and psychological ups-and-downs in my relationship to food and eating for practically my whole life. I don’t need more issues to complicate my choices! Already, when in a new place and situation, I tend to want to eat a lot, for this might be my only chance to eat this food, prepared this way. So in that sense I have no problem accepting an extra snack, a home-made meal, an extra portion. And that’s okay if it’s a one-off thing. But now, as we have been on the road conducting TEEZ trainings 3 out of 4 weeks in April, and will continue to do so practically non-stop for our remaining 4 months in Zambia, I have to find a way to eat normally in these extraordinary circumstances.

But often, these feel like offers I can’t refuse. For example, we are given a morning tea break with eggs, and I’ve just had breakfast with eggs. I fear sending a dish back that has obviously not been touched, as that is seen as an insult. So I’m caught between images of cholesterol-clogged arteries on the one hand, and on the other images of the fallen face of a disappointed pastor, or the silent scorn of the church ladies who’ve sacrificed and slaved over a charcoal brazier in the yard to offer the visiting Reverends some nice food. It’s made even worse if Rev. Banda, or Ryan also are not interested in whatever is offered. Usually between the three of us, we can eat enough to both be graciously accepting as well as not too overfed. The problem comes when I feel an obligation to eat! (and to eat a lot, and too much!) Which like I said before, I really don’t need.

No wonder clergy in Zambia tend to be fat! (Which is generally viewed as a positive sign of prestige, comfort, and wealth here). I think Rev. Banda is trying to avoid that, as he seems much more health-conscious and usually eats only a moderate amount. But that makes me even more nervous that our hosts will think it is me and Ryan who don’t like or appreciate the food! Perhaps he’s just learned that there will always be more food, so eat a bit here and a bit there…

Have you faced similar situations? How have you responded?